I haven’t turned to drugs or alcohol when I normally would have by now. It’s weird to actually feel these emotions and to be able to make sensible decisions rather than stupid mistakes.
I do not miss partaking in drugs whatsoever, last time I quit I missed it massively and that’s why I got so stuck in again but this time, I don’t care, at all.
This pain I’m feeling is amplified by 10 just from being sober. If this is what human is then it’s rather sad that I ever forgot what it feels like to feeeeel.
I’ve never had to go through something like I am right now and for that reason I don’t know how to deal with all these thoughts and emotions. I’m crying, I’m angry, I’m shouting and then I’m whispering. I’m so thankful that my parents understand and that they’re being so patient with me because I honestly don’t think I could do this without a cuddle from my mama every once in a while. I also thank my friends for being so god damn understanding and supportive and for all the nice things they’ve said/done/are trying to do.
Im excited for the future but I’m scared of change and I’m so stuck in the past right now, I can’t even imagine tomorrow.
It’s amazing how four days ago my life was nearing perfect again and now, well, I don’t really want anything. I don’t want to stop being sad because I feel if I’m too happy then it’s like I’ve forgotten her but at the same time, this sadness is like none other I’ve ever felt before, it really hurts me, like a stabbing pain in my heart, tears that keep on falling no matter how hard I try to hold it together. Some people may think this whole process is pathetic, I do on some level but I can’t help it and I won’t be apologising for grieving.
What some people don’t understand, is when you love an animal just as much as you would love a person and you treat them like a person and you care for them everyday of their life and watch them grow and learn new things and become super awesome, it hurts to lose them, like, it literally kills. I’d trade my soul to have Sky back, I’d dance with the devil all night long if it meant I could have one last day with her because maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much, I’d know she was leaving, I’d be sad but at least I’d of known it was coming. Had she of died of old age then maybe I’d be a bit more ‘okay’ but the fact that she was taken from me in a way that even she didn’t see coming and the fact that I wasn’t there to even try and help her, the fact that she was laying there for hours before I found her, that hurts me even more. I take a little bit of comfort in the fact that people showed her respect and moved her out of the road, all I want for her is a bit of respect and everyone has been so lovely and nobody has said a bad word, I feel like she was loved even by people that had never met her. I do take comfort in that. That’s real nice.
I keep thinking I see her at the bottom of my garden, just sitting, waiting. I keep thinking I hear the jingle of the bell on her collar, I keep going to get her in of a night and put her to bed, it’s hard to break the routine I’ve had with her for so long. C’est la vie. Unfortunately.
Trying so hard to fill the void that is Sky, but nothing seems good enough.
I didn’t want to go out tonight, I completely lost my temper and now I wish I didn’t leave my house, I just wanted some peace but I got the exact opposite of that, I’m so sick of this bullshit.
It’s so hard to fake being happy, I don’t see why I should have to, I don’t want to hide my sadness, I just wish to be left alone to get on with it, maybe I’ll finally get that now, heck, I may even keep my phone switched off all day.
Fuck everything, I miss you.